Stories on "The amusing life of Billy Moore"

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Copyright Category: Publications and Books
Type of Work: Literary
Copyright Holder: Kiran Pande
Website: http://ranjanakiran-productions.yolasite.com
Year Published / Made Public in: 2011
Date Added to Copyright Register: 27-May-2011 15:09
Last updated: 28-May-2011 18:27

Literary Copyright Work Details:

These are the short stories on a fictitious character called as BILLY MOORE.

He is now a jolly old man.
Billy Moore alias Balram More is an elderly, educated and an amusing character. His background is ambiguous. It’s said he was found by a priest on an early morning, as a child, crying on the dead body of his father who died due to overindulgence in alcohol and extreme cold in a village field near Mahabaleshwar in Maharastra, India. The priest rechristened him to ‘Billy Moore’ from Balram More.
Later, when the priest wanted him to take priesthood, Billy ran away. However, as a respect to the priest, he
continued with his name of ‘Billy Moore’

Billy is relaxing on the sofa having his drink, smoking and listening to the music. He picks up his glass. Nodding his head on the rhythm of the music, takes a sip, smokes and gently releases the smoke in the glass wherein the smoke settles like a cloud on the drink.
His nephew Dumpy comes next to him sits & starts reading a book. Billy is keen to know what book Dumpy is reading so he starts peeping into his book in a funny way whereas seeing Billy trying to peep into his book Dumpy starts hiding his book.
Billy gets keener to know what he is reading. Dumpy giggles for some weird reason after reading something from Book. Billy gets excited and finally he asks Dumpy-
BILLY: “Hey dumpy, what’s that?  Why you giggle so much?”
DUMPY: “Humour.”
BILLY: “Oh is it?? Then why don’t you read out loud for me too.”
DUMPY: “Sure Uncle Billy. Here it goes.”
Billy is excited and sits patiently to hear the joke.
DUMPY: “Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? Answer: When the baby looks like his dad
or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology”
In the background funny sound of baby laughing & Billy starts laughing shyly. He keeps hand on his mouth and continues with his laughing. Then changes his laugh. Dumpy also participates in his own way seeing the laughter of Billy
BILLY: “Ohh god! ….Okay, hit the next one before I hit the freaking bottle.” Keeps on laughing
DUMPY:”Okay...here we hit the next…”
Mrs. Johnson to maid: where you have been since 3 days??? You didn’t even inform.
Maid: I had updated my status on Facebook that I am going to my home town & I will be back after 3 days.
Mr.johnson even commented on it saying “Come soon. Missing you.”
Billy starts laughing like a mad man and keeps taking pauses in laughing and gets back to his laughing, continues in the different ways
BILLY: “I’m seeing your aunt Moore in this situation”he keeps on laughing
DUMPY: “Uncle, the next one is funnier than this.”
BILLY: “Hit it!”
DUMPY: “Two old ladies were at a boring meeting...
1st Lady: “It is so boring, even my ass has fallen asleep!
2nd Lady: “I know, I heard it snoring twice.”
This time Billy gets up from his sit pats his own ass and laughs madly. He even catches the collar of Dumpy and keeps shaking him and continues laughing. After a few seconds Dumpy gets up scared, looks at Billy wild and walks out.
Billy chases Bunty laughing.

Billy the grand father is sitting in a drawing room reading a newspaper. He has a grandson of 7 years old by the
name of Bunty. Bunty is preparing to go to school. He is trying to put his shoes but fails. The shoe hits Billy.
He calls his Grandpa: “ Sorry Billy pa, Help me to put my shoes.” Billy looks up at Bunty and smiles.
Billy: “Sure, Bunty!”
Billy walks at him and tries to put his shoes. With great struggle Billy manages. There is an expression of an
Billy: Ah! Done it.
Bunty looks at his shoes
Bunty: “Billy pa, they are on the wrong way around”
Billy looks at the shoes keenly with astonishment. He realizes Bunty is right. Managing to stay calm, Billy with
great difficulty swaps them over.
Bunty looks at his shoes and murmurs.
Billy looks around. It was cloudy and cold. He shivers. Picks up Ghunty’s school green coat and puts it on to
Billy: It’s cold. Where are your gloves?
Bunty: Oh, Billy pa, I had put them into these shoes

Background: It was when Billy Moore was a prosperous businessman of 50’s, a man of high social standing and
connections. His comfortable 3 BHK flat was about 10 Kms from the suburban Rly station in a posh colony.
So often of late, he had been visiting a lower middle class small house nestled among shrubs and bushes adjacent to the national park.
Billy approaches house.
A middle aged stout woman, Mrs Patel, her back towards approaching Billy is spreading washed wet clothes on a rope. Suddenly she flaps a sodden shirt turning towards Billy which sends Billy few feet away, well splashed!!
Billy looked shocked and manages rather clumsily himself.
Mrs Patel: “Oh, I’m sorry Billy. It’s you again!.
Billy attaining a gentlemanly posture: “Did you speak to her for me?”
Mrs.Patel: “Sure, I did that but you know the girls now days. You can speak to her again. Maya may agree unless that Tony…he has been persuading her against you!”
Billy’s face changed and his lips closed tightly for a moment.
Billy: “I have heard………about this Tony………..is there anything between him and Maya? Does Maya care for him?”
Mrs. Patel gave a sigh like a puff of an engine.
Mrs. Patel: “No one can tell, what’s in her heart, not even her mother”
She points a finger towards where Maya supposed to be. Billy walks toward back of the house when Maya appears, looks at Billy, smiles mildly and raises her eyebrows.
Maya was a tall and a beautiful lady. She wore a blue skirt and a black top.
Billy looked at her in admiration.
Billy: “Maya, I have come for my answer. I don’t have to repeat. I like you and I want to have you! You know me know, my position. You will have every comfort and privilege you want. Just say “yes” and I would be the luckiest man in the world!”
Maya looked at Billy keenly. There was a glint of admiration and some other emotions. Suddenly there was an
apprehension…she was lost..
Maya: “I know Billy and I would like to say “yes” but there is Tony...he objects!”
Billy walks few paces up & down impatiently, frowning, stumbles…and manages himself
Billy: “Who is this fellow?”
Maya: “He is a boxing champion and he wants me”
Billy drops his glasses he was cleaning. He clears his throat.
Billy: “If I could see him”
Maya: “He should be here any moment…
There was a sound from behind. A well built young man Tony walks in.
Tony: “Hi aunty!”
Tony looks at Billy then at Maya. Contempt shows in his eyes
Tony: “You are after my girl again! Why? I don’t like it. She is not going with you. Got it! Or else, fight it
out. Here! Now!!
Billy thought in desperation. He knew he is no match to this hulk. He had no option. He wanted her badly. He
thought…perhaps he can last a minute? And then..
Billy: “Okay, in just one minute!”
Tony chuckled: “Okay”
Then everything happened quickly.
Before Tony could think and be ready, Billy putting everything behind it gave a powerful jab which landed on the
face of Tony. Tony stood motionless for a moment and the slid down on the ground, lifeless.
Maya ran quickly towards Tony in shock and disbelief, took Tony’s head in her hand, looked at Billy who by that
time had brought some water and was sprinkling on Tony.
Billy: “Don’t worry. He will be alright in few moments”.
Slowly, Tony regained his senses, groggily looked at Maya and then at Billy.
Tony looking at Billy: “You can take her. I’m a man of words”
Billy looks at Maya: “Maya?”
Maya was a true woman but the victor must wait for the crown.
Maya: “Not today. Tomorrow”
Billy: “ Okay, 9 in the morning tomorrow”
Billy walks out nodding Maya’s mother.
Outside, further on the road Billy meets his neighbor Krishna who is pleasantly surprised seeing Billy.
Krishna: “Hi Billy, nice to see you. How’s Mrs. Moore and your daughter?”
Billy: “Great!” And how about you Krishna?”
Krishna: “Only-so-so. Usual suburban troubles. Servants won’t stay; tradesmen object to supplying to our far off areas; difficulties in getting transport…   of course you know...you are just 2 blocks away from me”
Billy: “Do you know a woman “Maya.. Maya Patel who lives near the national park?”
Krishna: “Well, not much, but I have heard of her. She stayed with Mehta’s for two years without a single day
Billy said triumphantly: “It was a fact. I engaged her today as a full time cook and a baby sitter!

A dynamic Billy Moore is getting ready to go out. Dressed in his typical avatar Billy Moore is looking very
charming and handsome. Muttering with vague gestures and all set to go. He reaches to the door and suddenly the phone rings. Billy takes out the phone from his pocket and answers the call.
BILLY: "Hello?"
VOICE: "Is this 9920991662?"
BILLY: "No, this is 9920991661"
VOICE: "Don’t fool me.."
BILLY: "What nonsense! It’s a wrong number."
VOICE: "You are lying..I know its correct"
BILLY : "Shut up you bastard.."
Billy angrily disconnects the phone.
Muttering to himself he commands the door.
BILLY: "Open the door" (in frustrated tone)
DOOR: "Voice not detected"
BILLY: "open the door"  (angrily)
DOOR: "Voice not detected" (also in angry tone)
Billy is now breathing hard and rapid. He goes and bang the
door twice
BILLY: "What the hell...Open the door now"
DOOR: "Voice not detected"
BILLY: "Okay"...
He takes a deep breathe and folds his hands.
Billy: "Open the door" (in a pleading tone)
DOOR: "voice not detected"
Billy scratches his head...tires to open the door by
himself...but not able to open it...He is so irritated that
he shows the door his muscles
BILLY: "Do you want to fight with me?"
He goes and gives two-three hard punches to the door. In one of the punch he hurts his hand. Billy keeps punching the door. Then he gives door pushes by his sides, turns and gives a push by his buttocks against the door. Then kicks the door again and again. Hits his brief case against the door. Now, Billy tired and panting, starts crying and slowly collapses down on the ground.
Door gives a laughter tone His wife comes out after bath and watches tormented and defeated Billy. Then looks at the closed door and back at Billy. She goes at the door. She slowly moves her hand on to the door with lovely gesture. Then in a sweet tone-she says:
BILLY’S WIFE: "Open the door, pleeeeease"
DOOR: "Anything for you darling."
As the door opens Billy moves out and angrily tells the door:
BILLY: "I will screw you!"
Door in reply just shuts making Billy force to go out.

Guddoo a fat young man is walking briskly in a garden. He sees Billy sitting on a bench and crying. Guddoo stops.
Takes few step backward in a moon walk style. Turns his head like a robot and asks Billy:
Guddoo: “Uncle, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Billy: “I have a 22 years old pretty wife. She kisses me every morning and makes a great breakfast of cheese
omelet and spiced chai.” (Continues crying)
Guddoo is puzzled and a bit frustrated: “Well, then why are you crying?”
Billy cries louder: “She makes a great soup and a delicious lunch for me. Cleans the house. In the afternoon, she rubs my back..”
Guddoo gets more puzzled and frustrated: “ Then why   a…r…e   you   crying???”
Billy cries louder than before:  “For dinner she makes a great meal and my favorite desert the we cuddle until the small hours”
Guddoo now really frustrated: “Well then, why in the world would you be crying???”
Billy cries louder and then his face freezes!
Billy: “I can’t remember where I live”

Alok Gupta, the reporter from “The Day” was walking along Billy in a garden.
Alok Gupta: “But Billy, it sounds incredible! You have performed some of the most wonderful criminal feats right under the very noses of the police! (Pause as they continue to walk) …However, I must express my doubts.”
Billy smiles indulgently.
Billy: “Reporter Alok Gupta, you have hurt my professional pride. I will convince you. By the way, you don’t know what a fear or shock can do to a person”
Alok Gupta gives a puzzling look at Billy
They walk a few yards when they see a wealthy looking old man sitting on a bench. Billy stops the walks closer to him. Billy suddenly draws a revolver and shoots the old man. The man collapses. Leisurely, Billy removes the watch and money from the clothes of the old man.
Billy looks at the shocked reporter and says coolly: “Call 100”
The reporter Alok Gupta fumbles and calls 100.
As they walk towards the exit of the garden, they hear a siren of a police van. After few moments, they meet a
running police officer towards the spot where the shot has been fired. Billy stops the police officer.
Billy says being serious: “I have just shot a man and robbed him of his possessions.”
The officer looks at Billy and retorts angrily: “Yea? Want your name in the news papers and interviews on the TV channels? I never knew a crank before to come around so quick after shooting! “Out of the park, now! Or I will put you behind bars! Out!!”
And the officer runs away towards the scene of the crime.
The reporter looks at Billy with a dropped jaw and mouth open. Billy looks at the reporter, smiles and walks away.

BILLY has gone very old, sick and it seems he is about to die. He is coughing and his eyes are popping out.
Breathing heavily he puts his hand on his nephew Dumpy’s shoulder and says-
BILLY: "Now listen, when I die, I want to take all my money to my next life so put all money in a box and keep it with my dead body. Promise me Dumpy!"
DUMPY: (With sad face) "I promise"
After few days Billy dies.
Billy’s dead body is on the floor in a typical Indian custom under a white sheet. Only his ashen face is visible.
Dumpy, Billy’s grandson Ghunty and a friend is sitting next to Billy’s body.
Suddenly, Dumpy gets up and brings a big box and keeps it near Billy’s body.
FRIEND: (Surprised) "What’s that?"
DUMPY: Pointing at the box "He told me to keep all his money with him after his death"
FRIEND: "I hope you aren’t that crazy"
DUMPY: "Yes, I’m a religious man. As promised, I kept all his money"
FRIEND:(Shocked) "Did you really?"
DUMPY: "I sure did. I put all the money into my account and wrote him a check"
Suddenly the dead body of Billy rises. Billy looks at Dumpy furiously
BILLY: "I’m no dead!!!"

Billy and his office colleague David are talking outside their office late in the evening.
David: “Well, it was a grand farewell by the staff to you Billy on your retirement! How about continuing the
celebrations at Gaylord’s…it’s close to your house?”
Billy: “You bastard! I was just thinking the same. Let’s go and drink to the glory!!”
Billy and his friend walk inside Gaylord’s bar. The captain and the waiter acknowledge Billy with a smile. He had
been a regular client.
After few drinks Billy and his friend are tipsy.
Billy pointing to his pet waiter: “Hey Ramesh, get me a Tandoori Chicken!”
Waiter Ramesh nods and goes towards kitchen.
Soon Ramesh brings a Tandoori Chicken leg.
Billy looks at the Tandoori chicken leg. He frowns. Takes out his glasses, wipes and puts them back.
Billy:”Hey, Ramesh, what the hell is this? Is this a chicken? It has only one leg. Where is the other one”?
Ramesh the waiter looks at the plate then looks at Billy and bows: “My apologies, sir, I thought you wanted to eat it. I didn’t know you wanted to see the bird dancing and running around you!”
Billy angrily: “Shut up”!!
The waiter quietly quits.
Billy, turning to David: “Let’s have more drinks”!
David: “Settle this bill, first”
They settle the check with cash. Billy then examines the remaining balance, gives a frustrated look at David.
Billy: “Let’s go to my home and get some more money. I need more drinks.”
Billy gets up, stumbles a bit and walks towards the exit.
David follows sheepishly.
They reach at Billy’s house. Billy unlocks the entrance door and they walk in semi darkness to another room. Billy switches on the lights.
A young woman (Billy’s wife) who was in a compromising position with another man in the bed gets startled. She turns her head at Billy.
Billy: “Sorry, darling. I need some money…”
Woman: “Take it from my wallet. It’s on the dressing table”
David is shocked at the scene. He stood paralyzed!
Billy walks to the table, takes the cash and starts walking toward the door.
Woman: “Billy, shut the lights off”!
Billy shuts the lights off, drags David and they walk out.
David still dazed: “Billy, what about that guy?”
Billy: “Don’t worry about him. He will buy his own drinks”!

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funny stories, amusing stories, stories, short stories

This Literary This work is copyrighted and may be used and/or cited as follows:
With prior permission from the author Mr. Kiran Pande

Submission Details: Literary Work submitted by Kiran Pande from India on 27-May-2011 15:09 (Last edited on 28-May-2011 18:27).
The Copyright work has been viewed 1490 times (since 22 Nov 2010).

Kiran Pande Contact Details: Email: ranjanakiran.productions@gmail.com Phone: 919920991661

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